The Excellent Wife / December 2004

An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
“Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

Proverbs 31:10-31

A man trying to explain a woman, even his wife, is faced with a daunting task. Women are complex creatures with paradoxical attributes that leave men perplexed and confused. Maybe you have heard men lament about women. “Can’t live with them; can’t live without them.”

The first woman, Eve, seemed to have the same mystique over Adam. Why did Adam partake of the fruit that was forbidden? Answer: His wife gave it to him, and his desire to agree with his wife was stronger than his will to obey the Lord. How could Adam surrender his will so quickly for his wife? Whatever it was, men have been moved by it many times since.

There are other stories, some humorous, that try to portray this attribute of women and wives. However, there is one portion of the Scripture that transcends the problem and boldly describes the greatest qualities in women and wives. It is actually counsel given to a man to recognize and understand the best in women. This incredible wisdom is found in the book of Proverbs.

The book of Proverbs is special in the Bible, long recognized by Bible teachers. First, the book is written in a special way with the very first letter. The letter Mem is the first Hebrew letter of the book, and Biblical scribes have always made that letter enlarged just as the letter Bet is enlarged in the book of Beresheet - Genesis. Only three books in the Bible have these enlarged first letters. The third book is Song of Solomon with an enlarged Shin.

The Hebrew letter Mem means water, specifically chaotic waters. It is also an illustration of the womb. Each of us are born from the chaotic waters of a womb. We are born out of water with a soul. The womb is where our soul and flesh are first joined. Therefore, the book of Proverbs really deals with the things of our souls and how to avoid the mistakes of the flesh. This is why the book begins with the sign - the enlarged Mem.

The final Proverb, number 31, describes the excellent wife. It is the final word in the book of wisdom, but it doesn’t come from the wisdom of a man. It is not a description of a perfect wife written by her husband. This final piece of wisdom comes from a Godly woman. Proverbs 31 is the teaching of a mother to her son, who happens to be a king. It is counsel fit for kings that comes from an impeccable source – his mother.

The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him.

Proverbs 31:1

The Proverb addresses two subjects: exercising good judgment by avoiding excessive amounts of libations and the selection of an excellent wife. Beginning in verse 10, a description of an excellent wife is given. It is not a man’s definition of the perfect wife; it is a woman’s definition. It is his mother telling him about someone that will be greater than his own mother. It is about the most important decision of his life – his wife. Now, that puts a whole new perspective on Proverbs 31. Most of the believers I have known thought Solomon wrote this proverb. It turns out that the wisdom expressed here is greater than Solomon’s.

King Lemuel said that his mother taught him this counsel. She used a very special way to accomplish it. If you read Proverbs 31 in the English only, you will never see it.

There are 22 verses used to describe the excellent wife, the same number of letters in the Hebrew Alephbet. In the Hebrew text, each verse of Proverbs 31:10-31 begins with the corresponding letter in the Hebrew Alephbet. This writing style is used both as a teaching method and to express a deeper wisdom. King David, the writer of Psalm 119 used the letters of the Alephbet as titles for each stanza. Each stanza illustrates a portion of David’s love for the Word of God. Proverbs 31 does the same in the context of illustrating an excellent wife.

There is some very profound wisdom being used here. The number 22 is used sparingly in Scripture. Twenty-two is the number of almond bulbs in the Menorah for the temple. These bulbs are distributed upon the branches of the menorah to represent the wisdom and judgment of the Messiah filled with the Seven Spirits of God (Isaiah 11:2). This kind of wisdom and judgment is not used to resolve a great battle for the conquest of a kingdom; instead, it is the wisdom and judgment used to lead a kingdom of peace. The parallelism of the number 22, the wisdom and judgment of the Messiah’s kingdom, is equated with the excellent wife in Proverbs 31.

When a man takes a wife, he takes the first step in building his house. However, it is the wife who builds the house. She bears the children and teaches them. She teaches the son to be respectful and to be a leader. She teaches the daughter to become wives and mothers. She makes her house into a home, a pleasant place where peace and comfort reside. The wife prepares the feast and the family to enjoy it. The wife doesn’t win the battles outside of the house; she wins the peace every day in the home. This is the wisdom and judgment of the Messiah in His kingdom.

With these initial thoughts in the background, let us examine the last 22 verses of the book of wisdom again as they describe the excellent wife. In particular, I want you to note the teaching of each Hebrew letter and how it adds depth and dimension to this wisdom.

An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

The Hebrew letter Aleph is at the word “wife.” The letter aleph is also the number one. Solomon shared an amazing observation in his book of Ecclesiastes about the difference between men and women.

I have found one man among a thousand, but I have not found a woman among all these.

Ecclesiastes 7:28

Solomon was talking about the special people he had met – people with wisdom. He said that he could find one man in a thousand, but he could not find the same odds in women. A woman with wisdom is a greater treasure than precious stones. This description is what you find elsewhere in the book of wisdom. Wisdom itself is defined as the feminine gender and is very rare.

She [wisdom] is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her.

Proverbs 3:15

For wisdom is better than jewels; and all desirable things can not compare with her.

Proverbs 8:11

Wisdom does not bring shame. Wisdom brings honor, respect and dignity. Therefore, an excellent wife is one who has wisdom. She brings good things to the home that cannot be purchased. Proverbs also says this:

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 12:4

A wife has the power to multiply her husband’s life or to divide him into nothing. The scorn of a wife can turn the inside of a man into ashes. She can actually cause the deterioration of his physical being.

House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent [wise] wife is from the Lord.

Proverbs 19:14

Many wives are in a struggle for headship with their husbands. The struggle dates back to the garden story. Only an excellent wife, one who is like wisdom itself, realizes that by honoring and respecting her husband, she will become the crown on his head. Instead of trying to put herself over her husband’s head, she lets the Lord put her upon the head of her husband as a crown. This is how she becomes One (Aleph) and the only One of his life.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

The Hebrew letter Bet is at the word “trusts.” The letter Bet means house. The ability to trust one another is the hallmark of any relationship. Trust is the best synonym for another powerful term in a relationship – belief. Her husband believes in her; she is trustworthy. This is more than the woman saying the right thing and her deeds matching her words. It is about her husband’s faith in her. It is about his home being a safe place for him.

I am sure you have heard the expression, “Behind every good man is a good woman.” Godly men know that their wives are “joint heirs in the grace of life.” As a joint heir with him, she knows the truth about her man. She knows his strengths and, in particular, his weaknesses.

One of my favorite proverbs about a true friend is this definition. “A true friend is the person who knows enough about you, to blackmail you, but has decides not to do so.” Wives know everything about their husbands including the good, the bad, and the ugly. They live in the same house. An excellent wife chooses not to blackmail her husband or upbraid his weaknesses. How can a husband trust when he is constantly threatened? Husbands must come to trust their wives. If he does, he will seek her counsel. Without that trust, he won’t seek her counsel and severely limits himself. But if he trusts his wife, he will gain her counsel, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

The Hebrew letter Gimel is at the word “She does.” There is no man who doesn’t desire good things. We all desire good things. The very purpose of a man in taking a wife is the desire for a good thing. Proverbs says it this way:

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.

Proverbs 18:22

The fascinating part of this union is that while the man has found a good thing in his wife; he really doesn’t deserve her. She is referred to as favor from the Lord. The word favor is “grace.” Grace is defined as unmerited favor, the kind you don’t deserve. Therefore, every husband who finds a wife does not deserve her, she is unmerited favor from the Lord. Wives learn this quickly in a marriage. Many view the union as unfair and tilted in the husband’s favor. They are absolutely right. This truth comes home to roost at the same time the honeymoon is declared over. However, an excellent wife does not assert the standard of being fair; she helps her husband by giving this favor all the days of her life.

A Godly man knows that he is saved by grace through faith and does not boast of his own works. He knows that his wife is part of God’s grace.

She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.

The Hebrew letter Dalet is at the word “She looks.” The letter Dalet is the picture of a door. An excellent wife is industrious and creative. She pursues the door of opportunity. She finds ways of enjoyment while doing her work. Wool and flax are the basic materials for clothing. Wool, of course, makes for warmth. Flax is combed to become linen fabric which is cool to the skin. In ancient times, clothing was made by the wife for her husband, herself, and her children. Whether it be handmade or selected from a store, she provides clothing for her family whenever the door of opportunity presents itself. This is why she looks for sales of clothes and is delighted with each opportunity.

She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.

The Hebrew letter Hey is at the word “She is like.” The letter Hey is also the picture of a door opening for something revealed. For the most part wives do the shopping for the home. There are many descriptions for this activity of going and getting the things needed for the family. The final scene of her weaving in and out of traffic, the parking lots, and other buyers in line to purchase is the precision of presentation at the supper table. The family is seated at the table and served salads, main dishes, side dishes, drinks, and sometimes dessert to follow. The foods arrive hot or cold as planned and she does it all with a smile. Very few see or understand the other side of the tapestry. The excellent wife is the one who reveals the smile for her family.

She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

The Hebrew letter Vav is at the word “She rises.” The letter Vav is the picture of a nail or peg and has the action of adding or securing something together. The letter Vav is also an elongated version of the Yod which is a hand. The Vav is the picture of a hand pouring something out. It is said that the work of a wife and mother never ends; she is working at every waking hour. Even if she has maidens to assist her, the excellent wife is assigning tasks and ensuring their proper completion so that the whole house is constructed correctly. An excellent wife will also tell you that it is more work to assign portions to your maidens than it is to just hammer the nail yourself.

She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

The Hebrew letter Zayin is at the word “She considers.” The letter Zayin is a picture of a weapon such as a knife. It has to do with the action of cutting something off. When she considers any project, she must cut the task into smaller portions and decide on the process of completion. This consideration also takes into account her current responsibilities at home, so as not to conflict with them. Furthermore, she looks for benefit from each step of her process.

She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.

The Hebrew letter Het is at the word “She girds.” The letter Het is a picture of a fence or a strong enclosure. This is the picture of her bindings and arms. An excellent wife has a direct sense of what is private and separated from the world. From the position of strength she is able to confront those things that would seek to potentially do harm to her and her family. She sets a strong fence in place to ensure that her home is a safe environment for everyone that is inside.

She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.

The Hebrew letter Tet is at the word “She senses.” The letter Tet is the picture of what surrounds. An excellent wife is surrounded by things which are good for her and her family. Some teachers have suggested that her lamp not going out at night is about working late. I tend to disagree with that suggestion here. I believe that the lamp at night addresses her surroundings. She is surrounded by light, not by darkness, even at night.

She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.

The Hebrew letter Yod is at the word “hands.” The letter Yod means the work of the hand. An excellent wife does the work of the distaff and the spindle. A distaff holds a bundle of flax. A spindle is the tapered rod that is used to spin the thread of the flax into linen. It takes one hand on the distaff, the other on the spindle, and concentration to spin the thread. But this expression used in the Proverb has another more powerful meaning. It addresses the skill of a mother’s hands. The hands of a mother comfort, pick up, clean, smooth, bandage, and etc. The list goes on and on. It seems like she has more than two hands, because she does these things at the same time. This is the more powerful meaning of the verse. Normally, the distaff is used by one hand while the other hand works the spindle. This verse uses the plural for hands in each case. She has multiple hands on the distaff and multiple hands on the spindle. This is the description of true maternal work and why the verse begins with the letter Yod – the working hand. The excellent wife is able to do multiple things of a mother and homemaker with her hands. In our language of today, her hand is multitasking.

She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

The Hebrew letter Kaf is at the word “hand.” However, the difference here from the letter Yod is that Kaf is the picture of a open hand. An open hand can be used to cover, to open, or to allow something to happen. An excellent wife’s hand is extended to the poor and needy. Her hand is open to them. The goodness enjoyed by her family is also extended to others beyond her family. Sharing with those in need is a never ending task. God’s way of giving is contrary to all logic understood by men. Men tend to limit their giving. “If I give too much, I won’t have enough for me.” But, the kind of giving that God instructs us to give is illustrated by the open hand. Godly giving is done with an open hand. It is extended and is not brought back until the need is met or the hand is empty. An excellent wife exercises this way of giving.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

The Hebrew letter Lamed is at the word “not.” The letter Lamed is the picture of a shepherd’s staff or a goad for herding. Most instructions given by the shepherd to the flock or by the herdsman is the instruction “Not that way” or simply “NO!” This verse uses the letter Lamed to emphasize that the excellent wife is NOT AFRAID. Not being afraid is about staying warm and dry. Fear is what keeps most women from being an excellent wife. If she is afraid for her provisions or protection, particularly for her children, then she will act out of fear. Here a word picture of that fear: She grabs the shepherd’s staff out of her husband’s hands and begins striking and goading him. This comes in the form of complaints and criticism. It is embarrassing and very disrespectful for the shepherd to have his own staff used on him, especially in front of other shepherds. In an ideal world, every husband would obey the Lord fully and provide and protect his family in every circumstance. However, we do not live in such a world. An excellent wife must say NO to her fear. She must let her husband keep the shepherd’s staff and let him solve the problem. When she takes the staff from her husband, she removes the very tool he needs. Not being afraid is letting her husband carry the staff and permitting him to do the work of the shepherd.

She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

The Hebrew letter Mem is at the word “coverings.” The letter Mem is the picture of waters. Waters are the symbol of birth, not only physical birth but of spiritual rebirth. Beginning with Moses with the waters from the Rock, the Messiah has emphasized this spiritual picture of Himself as the Rock of our Salvation. We refer to them as the waters of Salvation and being born of the Spirit. Many read this verse and think that the fine linen coverings of the excellent wife are new apparel. This is shallow and slides past the point. Fine linen and purple are the garments of saints, those who dwell in the kingdom.

And it was given to her to clothe herself in fine linen, bright and clean; for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints.

Revelation 19:8

You must be born again from the waters of Salvation to wear these coverings. An excellent wife does not adorn herself with the world’s definition of clothing; she wears the garments of salvation. They have been washed and made bright and clean by the water from the Rock.

Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.

The Hebrew letter Nun is at the word “is.” The letter Nun is about the quickening of life. It is the picture of a fish darting through the water. It can even represent resurrection from the dead. A man rises each day and goes out to face the world. He needs to rise with strength and the belief that he can accomplish something. How can he rise with such strength and belief in himself? It is a very simple thing. It is called respect. He needs to be respected. An excellent wife is the best source of this respect in all of the world. If she speaks praises and good into his life, he will believe that he can do good and will renew his strength each day of his life. However if she speaks criticism, contempt, and complaints into his life, he will be forced to seek respect somewhere else. Respect from another source will never be enough and it will never satisfy his need. Many women refuse to give a full measure of respect to their husbands. They don’t believe that they deserve it. Further, they fear that his male ego will run away with him or he will take advantage of her. The truth is that every man knows in his heart that the testimony of his wife is more powerful (truthful) than the rest of the world. If his wife says he is a hero and champion, then he is. If she says he is a lazy bum, then he is. His chances for success outside his house are in direct measure to his success with his own wife in his house. An excellent wife helps her husband rise up each day to face his challenges. She is his primary source of respect and praise. She sees beyond his weaknesses and fills him with courage to do good. This is why he is known in the gates and sits with other leaders.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

The Hebrew letter Samech is at the word “linen garments.” The letter Samech is the picture of something that supports something else. A belt supports and holds up a pair of trousers or helps carry a load. Certain linen garments do the same. In particular, linen garments are worn to support those who are anointed and ordained to serve.

So the priest who is anointed and ordained to serve as priest in his father's place shall make atonement: he shall thus put on the linen garments, the holy garments,

Leviticus 16:32

An excellent wife has the skills to support others. In particular, she is able to support those who are anointed and ordained to God’s service. It is primarily for her husband, but it can be extended to those in the community of faith. Just as she cared for her family with multiple hands and extended an open hand to the needy, she is able to support her husband and offer support to others in leadership as well.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

The Hebrew letter Ayin is at the word “strength.” The letter Ayin is the same Hebrew word for eye. It is the picture of seeing, knowing or experiencing for yourself. How a woman clothes herself is all about how she wants to be seen. Most women want to be seen as attractive, some even as enticing and alluring. It is part of the human instinct for selection of a mate and companion for life. Spiritual women also know that clothing must be modest and appropriate. She still wants to look nice for her husband and family. She knows that adornment and clothing sends a message. She wants to adorn herself just as the Lord does.

The Lord reigns, He is clothed with majesty; the Lord has clothed and girded Himself with strength;

Psalms 93:1

The Lord instructed Job to adorn himself as the Lord does Himself.

Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity; and clothe yourself with honor and majesty.

Job 40:10

We are way beyond color and pattern here. Clothing is all about what you see with the eye (Ayin). But, the excellent wife has transcended that. An excellent wife sees things from an eternal perspective; she can see her future and this causes her to smile.

She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

The Hebrew letter Pey is at the word “mouth.” The letter Pey is the picture of the mouth. It is the action of opening your mouth and what you speak with your mouth. Most wives struggle here. Wives are strongly motivated to open their mouths and offer their correction and reproof. However, it doesn’t usually work out very well.

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is counted prudent.

Proverbs 17:28

An excellent wife is equated with wisdom. Wisdom is best displayed with a closed mouth. Only when the mouth is opened do you reveal the lack of wisdom. This is the primary reason why the Apostle Paul instructed women to keep silent in the assemblies, to instead ask their husbands at home in private.

Let the women keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but let them subject themselves, just as the Law also says. And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church.

I Corinthians 14:34-35

This does not mean that women can never speak in the community of faith. It is addressing the issue of opening the mouth to criticize and complain. The mouth can also be opened to speak wisdom and kindness. This is what marks and identifies an excellent wife. Many brethren can tell you what the greatest commandment is – to love God with all of your heart, might and soul. They can even tell you the second commandment – to love your neighbor as yourself. But, very few leaders can tell you what is the least of the commandments. An excellent wife can teach you that one – the act of kindness in word or deed.

Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

Proverbs 3:3

She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.

The Hebrew letter Tsade is at the word “looks well.” The letter Tsade is the picture of a hook. It is the action of desire and how it captivates or motivates you to do something. An excellent wife looks well to the ways of her household because she is hooked with desire for them. She keeps herself busy and is self motivated to the task. You do not have to motivate an excellent wife; she is automatically desirous of her husband, children, and home.

Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

The Hebrew letter Koof is at the word “rise up.” The letter Koof is about the place at the back of the head. It is the placement of something behind or at the end. It comes last. The best praise is like the best laughter, that which comes last. The back of the head is where the hand that blesses is placed. An excellent wife will experience blessing from her family and husband, but the blessings and praises referred to here are the most meaningful. They are referring to hand of blessing that is placed at the back of the head.

“Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”

The Hebrew letter Resh is at the word “many.” The letter Resh represents the head. It is about the head person, the person at the head of the list, or the highest person. The reference here is to the ranking among peers. The praise of a husband is the highest praise a wife can receive. Regardless of the personal bias of being married to her, the praise of her husband is from same man who is known in the gates. He sits with the other elders of the community. If he says that she has excelled them all, then he has the authority to render such a judgment. An excellent wife is not embarrassed by such praise; she knows how to be raised up above others with grace and humility.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

The Hebrew letter Shin is at the word “deceitful.” The letter Shin means teeth. It is the action of being destroyed, torn apart (by teeth) or of being consumed. The letter Shin is the single letter of Shaddai (Almighty God). The Lord’s power is sufficient to destroy any enemy. An excellent woman knows that real beauty is within. Outward physical beauty and charm are more for deceiving and leading others into vanity. Many women who have natural physical beauty fall prey to this temporal power. They use their charms to get their way. An excellent wife refrains from this deceit. She uses wisdom and kindness to accomplish far more. The fact is that charm and beauty have the power to destroy and consume even the woman using them. Physical beauty will not lead to praise in the end; it is at best, praise at the beginning. An excellent wife is the recipient of praises that last forever.

Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

The Hebrew letter Tav is at the word “give.” The letter Tav is a sign. It is a seal or a covenant of an agreement. The praises of an excellent wife are sealed and sure in her future. In all of her efforts to do good for others, she has invested her rewards into the future. It is a future in the Messiah’s kingdom with His reward system. You have heard the expression “Doing good is its own reward.” This is particularly true for an excellent wife and is evidenced by the interest earned in the Messiah’s kingdom. Her works will be waiting at the gates.

All wives at some time or another do each of these things. Some wives do several of these things regularly. It seems to me that this list is just an outline of what an excellent wife does like the Alephbet. Combinations of these letters make words, words make sentences, sentences make paragraphs. Over the course of the marriage, a story is told. It is true. Mom was right! An excellent wife is better than Mom.

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